I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me