I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
titanic
