Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king