[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?