Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.