Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?