The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
If you鈥檙e wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
this got me crying馃槶馃槶
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
No I don鈥檛 want to read the article first I want to argue now
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
