Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something