{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
how DARE
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
be safe out there!
