I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi