Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
how DARE
