*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
🛁
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!