You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Pot warmers of the day.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
How your email finds me
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Mad Max Arctic Road
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.