I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
me irl
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Phones down.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep