Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Taco Bell, Exit 22