LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I didn’t come here to be called names
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.