I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Dear Lord..
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.