Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Good morning
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”