Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.