I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
bro what is going on at twitter
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter