My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
titanic
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”