everyone’s a critic
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth