Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything