One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Before & after 😅
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.