“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
Become ungovernable.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
