My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”