Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade