When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
