Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m calling the cops.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?