The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
I feel attacked.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”