i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
mom had nothing to worry about
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.