The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
flash mobs for serving divorce papers