no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time