a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.