mom had nothing to worry about
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me