Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Overindulged this afternoon.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…