Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
How can I say no to this ?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I need a headline like this
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.