Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Good morning
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…