Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Goodnight 🐶
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…