I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Simple enough.