When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Seas the day!!!!
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!