If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit