my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Worth the read.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!