What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
So that’s what we looked like?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.