[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
reminder
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.