You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Terribly Tuesday.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker