I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
notice
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
secret recipe
