People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
i will not be silenced
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
