if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”