PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?